Grieving What We Can’t Have: WAHM Biz Builder Interview

Twitter’s been a great resource for me and not just for making connections and spreading the word about Someday Syndrome. I’ve met so many fascinating people online from all over the world and I have such a great time chatting with them all. Melinda from WAHM Biz Builder is one of my Twitter friends. And like many of my contacts, we met through Men with Pens – who not only design great sites and write great copy, they also do a fantastic job hooking people up!

Who: Melinda from WAHM Biz Builder
Melinda uses humour, conversations, questioning and tough love to help work at home mums create profitable businesses while having a sane family life.

Name one moment in your life when you threw a pity party for yourself and the reasons why you felt you weren’t able to achieve your goals. Were you feeling stuck? Had you felt you failed? What wasn’t working in your life?
My husband and I have unexplainable infertility.  That means that there is nothing physically wrong with us, we just can’t get pregnant.  Since I have always, from a very young age, wanted to have three or four children, being told it wouldn’t happen was devastating.  (I have one child from a previous relationship, not my husband’s child)

My pity party lasted about two years, sometimes better and sometimes worse.  I got depressed,  I avoided pregnant women, cut myself off from friends with young children, lived life by the calendar, counting days and weeks.

During this time we also moved house three times in 12 months due to my husband’s work, so we left the city I had lived in for 14 years and my entire support network there.

I felt that I had failed myself and that I was totally powerless.  My body, designed to do this, wasn’t working and there was nothing to fix and make it right.  I couldn’t do something that 99% of women could – whether they planned to or not.  I felt valueless as a woman, as a wife and as a mother.

Tell us what you did to break up the pity party. What actions did you decide to take? Did someone help you buoy your spirits? Push you along?
What shocked me out of it was two friends both miscarrying their babies at around the same time.  I realised that no matter how much pain I was in, it didn’t compare to their pain.

I realised that I couldn’t live life permanently in the same way that I had been for the past three years.  I had to let go of that dream that I’d had for so long and get on with life as it was, not as I wanted it to be.

Can you look back on that moment and tell us how you felt when you did decide to take action? What results came about from your decision to take charge and move on?
Deliberately deciding to face life as it is was a really difficult decision, it felt as if I were quitting and giving up.  Actually making the choice was freeing though, because it released me from attempting to achieve the impossible.  I was powerless to control this, there was nothing I could and attempting to achieve it was destroying me, and in turn my family.

I also started talking to other women about infertility.  There’s a lot of it out there, however it’s kept very private, as if it’s shameful.  By talking about it and refusing to hide what we’ve gone through it’s helped other women realise that they’re not alone and that what they’re feeling is normal.

I’m not going to say it’s been easy, I still have the occasional day where I avoid pregnant women and babies.  However I’ve gotten to the point where I can be genuinely, sincerely happy for friends when they announce their pregnancies.

I realised that I had a husband and child who needed me to be whole, and it was time to work towards other goals that I had left behind.

Everyone has a Someday problem hiding deep inside, even little ones. What variety of the Someday Syndrome do you currently harbor? What would you like to achieve but haven’t yet?
I have all three of the Someday Syndromes.  *cringe* My worst would have to be clutter and being surrounded by ‘stuff’.  I’m a packrat and I come from a long line of very successful pack rats.  I have dreams of living in a clean, tidy, relaxed and uncluttered house.  I have to say that I’m slowly improving in this area, very slowly…

Examining your Someday Syndrome problem, what are you currently doing to resolve it and eliminate it from your life?
Saying no to new stuff coming in, unless something old goes out.  Slowly finding the motivation to dig through boxes, drawers, cupboards etc and get rid of things.  Then the “I might need it someday” syndrome tends to click in.  I have to remind myself that I haven’t needed it, and even if I did then I probably couldn’t find it so it can go out.

I’m also looking at ‘why’ I want to bring stuff in, what need is that filling for me?  Do I really love that particular item or is it an unnecessary purchase?

Many people suffer the same problems you do. You’re not alone, and neither are they. What would you tell people in your situation right now to help them avoid what you’re going through?
Don’t let the clutter in to start with!  I’m sure we’ve all seen the sign “A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind”?  It’s not true.  Being surrounded by clutter and ‘stuff’ takes away creativity and motivation.  You physically carry your ‘stuff’ around in mental energy, and removing it is very freeing and can literally lift a weight off you.  Don’t let it start, and if you’re already surrounded by it then take the time to get rid of it.

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14 thoughts on “Grieving What We Can’t Have: WAHM Biz Builder Interview

  1. I had no idea you’d been through this. It’s amazing what these interviews shows you about people you know. It’s so courageous to share, too. Thank you 🙂

  2. Melinda says:

    Thanks Joely! I think most people have their own story inside that they have struggled with and hopefully overcome. I know you do. 🙂

    I love how Alex is bringing these stories out and sharing them too. Thanks for the opportunity Alex!

  3. Great and fascinating interview. Thanks for the great questions and the great answers. I really enjoyed reading it.

    Positively Present´s last blog post..let’s go! 5 steps for getting on the road to your goal

  4. […] If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!The lovely Alex Fayle of Someday Syndrome asked me recently to be one of his interviewee’s for his weekly “Someday Interviews” that he does every monday.  Click here to read the interview – Grieving What We Can’t Have […]

  5. Alex Fayle says:

    @Positively Present
    Glad you enjoyed the interview. It always amazes me how seemingly simple questions can create such powerful responses.

  6. Alex Fayle says:

    I think everyone has a fascinating and courageous story inside them. And I love bringing them out.

  7. Alex Fayle says:

    Thanks for saying yes – your story will touch many people, I’m sure!

  8. I guess in order to have someday syndrome you have to assume that you have many some days ahead of you! The quicker you figure out life is short the better, if you can do that while you are young then you are really ahead.

  9. Alex Fayle says:

    That’s a very good point. When we face our own mortality we have no choice but do what we love, or we’re just wasting what little time we have.

  10. Melinda, thank you so much for sharing your infertility story. I went through something similar and it’s been so long since I “moved on” that I had forgotten how painful it was. You’re right – for some reason it’s something we don’t talk about, and very few people were aware of how I felt. The one friend I had who was in a similar situation ended up having a baby, and although I was happy for her, she became one of *them* and our friendship was never the same.

    Janet Barclay´s last blog post..My WordPress Coach

  11. Melinda says:

    Thanks Janet. You’re right, the relationship status quo changes so much when one person ends up getting pregnant, they step back over the line to be with everyone else.

    I’ve had quite a few people contact me since this interview was posted with their story about infertility. Thanks for giving the opportunity Alex!

    Melinda´s last blog post..May Book Giveaway – “Tribes” by Seth Godin

  12. Alex Fayle says:

    @Janet & @Melinda
    It’s such a different situation for me who purposefully chose not to have children. It really makes a difference the power of choice. When you don’t have it, that’s the true lack of freedom, isn’t it?

  13. Melinda says:

    It is. The lack of choice is so painful because there you are powerless against it.

    Melinda´s last blog post..May Book Giveaway – “Tribes” by Seth Godin

  14. Absolutely fantastic post. You hit the nail right on the with this post. I see too many people come into this industry think its going to happen overnight. Its systemic in the approach if they really think about it. They must grow themselves, discover the solutions to their problems and in their will be able to solve the problems of others. Only through dedicating their time to learn through the various mediums you noted above will they gain this knowledge.

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