7 Ways to Make Regret-Free Decisions and Overcome Insecurity

• Someday Lesson: Regret and insecurity come from the lack of a clear desire for the future.

Do you ever waver over decisions and or feel insecure about your actions?

Perhaps it’s because you don’t have a passionate vision of the future. If your future is murky or you’re not sure the future you have in mind is the right one for you, every decision you make will cause you anguish. You have nothing against which to measure progress and you have no idea if your decisions are correct or not.

Indecisiveness leads you to regret every decision you make. The regret then leads to insecurity. Because you can’t trust your inner voice, you start looking for outside approval. You let the opinions of others sway you until you don’t know what’s going on inside your head and your heart.

You worry that you’re going to spend your whole life as wishy-washy as Charlie Brown and will lie on your deathbed feeling nothing but regret.

But you don’t have to live that way. You can to make strong decisions. You can be secure and confident. You can pursue the crap out of your dreams.

But how? The cycle of indecisiveness, regret and insecurity is a hard one to break. Here are seven ways to get started on being a decisive, confident Someday-buster.

1.    Start small
Just as you wouldn’t try running marathon after years of little physical activity, you’re not going to tackle big life-changing decisions right away. Start small with decisions like what type of cheese on your sandwich, or what shirt you’ll wear for the day.

2.    Let yourself be wrong
Fear of being wrong often causes people to mistrust their decisions. When I worked as a computer-lab support person, whenever I dealt with people who were terrified of breaking the computer, I’d grab their hands and smash them around on the keyboard and they’d learn that it’s actually difficult to make a permanent mistake. Very few decisions are life or death. You are allowed to be wrong on occasion.

3.    Lose the judgment and guilt
Guilt and self-judgment have a huge affect on your ability to make a concrete decision. When you make a decision that takes you away from your dreams instead of moving you towards them, think of it as taking the scenic route and not as a wrong turn. Recognize the problem, change direction and get back on track. Judgment and guilt are just forms of self-punishment and who would ever punish themselves for taking the scenic route on a road trip?

4.    Stop regret before it starts
Just as heavy truck traffic will create ruts in a road, thoughts find a groove and tend to stay there. If you have second-guessed a few decisions, it’s easier to second-guess the next one and the next until momentum has you sailing along in a well-worn track. Break out of the groove by breaking the thought patterns. Each time you feel yourself second-guessing a decision or you feel regret rising, start singing something like Old MacDonald, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, or (my favourite) Eurythmic’s Sweet Dreams. I guarantee you’ll forget about the regret.

5.    Talk to fewer people
Often insecure people seek advice from as many people as possible, hoping that the democratic process will send them in the right direction. However, usually the insecure people just end up with fifty different options to choose from and feel guilty for disappointing those whose advice they don’t take. Instead of talking to lots of people, rely more on yourself and if you feel you must get feedback from others, choose only one or two people who are knowledgeable on the subject in question.

6.    Find ways to measure progress
Self-improvement goals are hard to measure. “I feel 10% more confident today” just doesn’t make any sense. However, saying “I made twenty decisions today and second-guessed three of them” makes a whole lot of sense. Counting always works as a measurement, so if you can find a way to count your progress and don’t get discouraged by the starting point – think instead about how high you can go!

7.    Be patient and gentle with yourself
Change doesn’t happen all at once. Habits don’t alter overnight. You’re not going to become the most decisive most confident person ever right away. Don’t let your insecurity undermine your progress, but also don’t let the occasional backslide stop you from continuing. Two steps forward and one step back still has the net effect of one step forward.

So, how do you handle your regrets and moments of indecisiveness?

Are You Working Hard or Hardly Working?

• Someday Lesson: Passion for your chosen pursuits does not mean you don’t have to work.

Have you ever heard the phrase: if you love what you do, then it’s not work?

Well, I think it’s crap.

Let’s take my writing as an example – both fiction and non-fiction. I struggle through the first draft of whatever I’m working on, resist doing the necessary edits/rewrites then (for the fiction) agonize over the getting published part. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love it, however. After all, I gave up everything in my old life to write.

In fact, I’m insanely happy writing and wouldn’t give it up for the world. Yet it’s damn hard work.

Every single moment of it.

Now let’s look at Someday Syndrome. I’m in the process of building up my reputation before launching my mentoring services. I’m doing a whole bunch of marketing-related activities that take a lot of time.

Some of it I enjoy more than other parts, but it’s all work. I’ve learned how to cut out the stuff I hate doing, but even the stuff I really like doing is work.

I supposed it depends on one’s definition of work, but to me anything that you wouldn’t do if retired is work. And in my case that includes everything related to Someday Syndrome.

And a lot of times, the work is difficult, challenging and frustrating. Yet in the end, it’s all been and continues to be extremely rewarding, so I keep at it and celebrate the success my work brings.

But try to tell me that what I do isn’t work or that if I find it’s hard work then I’m doing something wrong and I’m going to strongly disagree with you.

Now your turn – I specifically want to hear from people who believe that passion-filled work isn’t work. Help me see your point of view. Why isn’t it work?

Pushing Yourself Forward – Full Text Answers

Last week the Lab-Rats explored their fears and pushing beyond them. This week, it’s about pushing beyond our self-imposed limits. As I described in my post Pushing My Limits, in 2006 I did National Novel Writing Month for the first time and although I ended up not reaching my 50,000 word goal, I did write 40,000 in a single month, which was more than I’d ever written in my entire life.

That being said, here are the questions for this week:

1. Do you need to push yourself to do things, or if you’re passionate about something, do you just go off running and get it done?
2. If you do have to push yourself, what are some of the techniques you use to stretch the boundaries of your usual efforts?
3. If you do set a goal and you don’t quite reach it, how do you react? Are you proud of yourself for trying? Are you upset that you didn’t reach the goal? Or do you experience a completely unexpected reaction?

Brett’s Response

Your post hit it right on the head for me, because of my attitude towards fear – if things are not life and death, it is possible that things won’t get done.  It is easy to just watch the sun set and get back to things tomorrow.

So, to answer your questions this week:

1. I do have to push myself, usually after the first month or so for the longer projects.  The initial passion is intense, and so shorter tasks are easily completed.
2. So, in order to do this, I use a few techniques – I have a vision board, so I can see the final end state, and I have a year-calendar that I use to play “don’t break the chain” – I also use spreadsheets to track subtasks of my bigger projects, to make sure things are progressing as planned, or to see where things are slipping.  By breaking things down into smaller tasks, it is easier to keep the fire burning.
3. If I don’t quite reach a goal, I don’t beat myself up over it – I will try to learn from it and figure out why I didn’t get there, then see what I need to do to adjust my course to get there – or maybe see if I can do without that little subtask.  If necessary, I just put it right back at the top of the list of things to do.

So far, this kind of thing works pretty well for me.  I believe I’m doing reasonably well at moving towards my main goals, with all of the stuff going on to keep me from working at it full time!  If it were just me, I figure I’d be sitting on Waiheke Island right now, drinking a cold Monteith’s… 🙂

Crista’s Response

1. Do you need to push yourself to do things, or if you’re passionate about something, do you just go off running and get it done?When I am passionate about something there is no pushing required.  Author, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi who writes about the state of flow describes it as ‘a state of concentration so focused that it amounts to absolute absorption into an activity.’ Unfortunately, for those around me, when I’m in flow there is sometimes nothing else.
2. If you do have to push yourself, what are some of the techniques you use to stretch the boundaries of your usual efforts?I think there’s a difference between being called to do something and being driven to do it. When I’m called, I am swept away by a sense of energy that allows me to overcome obstacles and face challenges that seem impossible if I’m driven.  And typically, if I need to push myself, it’s a sign that perhaps I should evaluate what I’m doing. When I’m driven, it’s usually an outside force from other people’s expectations and demands that are creating chaos and force the pushing.
3. If you do set a goal and you don’t quite reach it, how do you react? Are you proud of yourself for trying? Are you upset that you didn’t reach the goal? Or do you experience a completely unexpected reaction?When I don’t reach an important goal, I don’t let it go. Probably to a fault sometimes. If the goal isn’t important to me though, I have no problem walking away from it. Sometimes I’m proud of myself for trying, but it really depends on what it is. The really meaningful goals seem to get accomplished in my life and the rest fall away. For example, I sometimes have a mental list of goals I’d like to accomplish on any given day. Usually, they are the little things that allow me to stay organized. When I don’t get to something on that mental list, I don’t worry about it unless one of those things affects someone I love.

Urbane Lion’s Response

1. Do you need to push yourself to do things, or if you’re passionate about something, do you just go off running and get it done? Huuum, no easy answers to this one. Pushing myself over my limits was a regular occurrence when I was a business owner. These limits were either mental or physical fatigue. Has you can guess, the Xmas season for a caterer is an extremely busy season. We would do about 25% of our annual sales in just 3 weeks. Because we were pumping out the same menu over and over again, passion was not part of the equation and going over my limits was not an easy task. When you are both physically and mentally drained, it’s very hard to push forward. But, the orders had to be filled and the pressure of being “the Boss” and having to lead by example was enough to keep me going. Every time I would push myself over my limits I would do a “post-mortem” of the situation and implement tools or new business guidelines to avoid having to go through those situations again. But of course, fix one thing and another thing will breakdown!

2. If you do have to push yourself, what are some of the techniques you use to stretch the boundaries of your usual efforts? The carrot trick works for me every time! The pride of a job well done give me such a high that just the though of it is enough motivation for me to push forward way past my limits. Also helps if there is a financial compensation associated with it too!

3. If you do set a goal and you don’t quite reach it, how do you react? Are you proud of yourself for trying? Are you upset that you didn’t reach the goal? Or do you experience a completely unexpected reaction? I must say that any goal that I have not reached didn’t have great importance in the first place. If I can’t see the purpose of a task, it is very probable that I will quit after the first few obstacles. Of course, I do feel disappointment but, if I didn’t believe in the project in the first place, that feeling is short lived. I will however analyse every situation to see if something can be learned from that failure.

Someday Lessons:

• To ensure things get done, systems are good – just remember that your system will likely be different from someone else’s and don’t expect them to use yours.
• If you don’t reach a goal, you didn’t really want to reach it in the first place. Rationalization or truth?

Pushing Yourself Forward

Last week the Lab-Rats explored their fears and pushing beyond them. This week, it’s about pushing beyond our self-imposed limits. As I described in my post Pushing My Limits, in 2006 I did National Novel Writing Month for the first time and although I ended up not reaching my 50,000 word goal, I did write 40,000 in a single month, which was more than I’d ever written in my entire life.

That being said, here are the questions for this week:

1. Do you need to push yourself to do things, or if you’re passionate about something, do you just go off running and get it done?
2. If you do have to push yourself, what are some of the techniques you use to stretch the boundaries of your usual efforts?
3. If you do set a goal and you don’t quite reach it, how do you react? Are you proud of yourself for trying? Are you upset that you didn’t reach the goal? Or do you experience a completely unexpected reaction?

N.B. Sal is still off working hard. Hopefully we’ll see him back next week.

It’s So Easy

Not one of the Lab-Rats has a problem starting something if they feel passionate about the task, but Brett acknowledged that once the enthusiasm has worn off, his laisez-faire attitude makes it difficult to keep going sometimes. Crista made a distinction between activities she’s chosen to do and those she’s been driven to do by something external. With the former the world disappears for her while she works on it, while the latter can feel like it’s dragging on forever. The Urbane Lion, however, just gets it done then if possible creates a system to make the task easier the next time he has to do it.

Getting It Done

Brett (like me) has a million systems for keeping him going. If he’s like me, then it’s because any one system becomes boring and easy to ignore pretty quickly. By shifting around the reminder, carrot, and kick-in-the-butt systems the project feels fresh even if the project itself has been going on for quite a while.

When Crista feels like she has to push herself, she uses that feeling as a signal that she needs to re-examine her need to pursue this task, and the Urbane Lion gets a high off of a job well done (but admits that money at the end of the task also works). Being more like Brett than Crista, if I re-examined every task that I stalled on, I’d never get anything done (I like to start things but find finishing them boring). Of course Crista just re-examines the big goals and not the day to day stuff, but even with that I’d not get much done (yes, I look for any opportunity to drop things after having started them). I am, however, learning about that high that comes from accomplishing a monumental task (like finishing my first novel) and I do like the idea of experiencing that feeling again.

Not Quite There

All three Lab-Rats agree that if small things don’t get done, then it’s no big worry. Brett uses a failed goal to change direction and figure out what he really wants. And if Crista and the Urbane Lion feel that an uncompleted goal about which they weren’t passionate means they didn’t really want it in the first place. Crista has a tendency to beat herself up for not achieving a goal that she she feels affects others (e.g., if she weren’t to get her Lab-Rat homework in on time. The Urbane Lion cures his disappointment by looking for lessons in the failure to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Someday Lessons:

• It’s always easier to start something than to finish it.
• Failure to achieve a goal is more an opportunity to learn something about yourself than a time for self-punishment.

Discovering a Passion for Blogging: Urban Panther Interview Part 2

While the Urban Panther might be new to the blogosphere, she’s been in my life for a very long time (being my sister). We often help each other when we get stuck and recently it was my turn to help her get unstuck. The Panther was the first person to run through my email workshop (which premiered yesterday) and through that discovered her passion for blogging.

Who: Elizabeth Fayle of the Urban Panther’s Lair
Elizabeth (aka the Urban Panther) is phasing out her existence as an IT Project Manager in Ontario, and phasing in her existence as a humourist blogger in Quebec.

Before continuing, read the first part of the interview here.

What changed? Was it gradual or did it come as an epiphany? Perhaps a mix the two?
What changed? What didn’t change?! *chuckle*. Left a bad relationship. Took a year to myself to figure me out. Met my fantastic man. Moved in with him. Mentioned my desire to write. Got his full support and encouragement. BUT, the major push was beta-ing Alex’s Someday Syndrome course. Yes, that appears to be blatant family promotion, but I’m serious. I worked my way through his course on how to remove Someday from my life and BOOM, not only am I blogging everyday, but I was just honoured by another website dedicated on how to best to blog, with a New Blogger of the Week feature article.

What dream are you in the process of realizing?
In partnership with my fantastic man, we are working towards financially supporting ourselves though some type of e-business. My blogging site is gaining popularity, and his has just recently been launched. This is just the beginning. Once the sites are established we will work on a business plan for generating revenue. Huh, that came across as a Someday, but it’s not. It’s a step by step process, and establishing the websites is step 1.

How would you describe your happiness level now?
Over the top!!! To be honest I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the rapid and positive responses to my website, but hey, I’m going with it. And as for work, I have a different attitude. Work is now part of my plan, instead of working against my plan. Right now I need the steady income, in order to work on my other business ideas. I can’t say I am now thrilled to go to work, but I am no longer resentful of it. As a matter of fact, I’m quite grateful.

What advice would you give someone in the position you were in before?
Really take the time to figure out what fulfills you. Then be open to different ways of incorporating that into your life. I honestly had no idea that professional blogging existed! I knew I wanted to write, but I also knew I didn’t want to write a book, do script writing, any of that type of thing. Then one day Alex mentioned that I might be better suited for professional blogging, and the rest,as they say, is history! Oh, and sign up for Alex’s course. Seriously!

Someday Lessons:

• When passion comes together in several areas of your life at once, your brilliance lights up the world.
• Get specific with your dreams. The more clarity you can find, the easier they will be to realize.

Trapped in the Day-to-Day: Urban Panther Interview Part 1

While the Urban Panther might be new to the blogosphere, she’s been in my life for a very long time (being my sister). We often help each other when we get stuck and recently it was my turn to help her get unstuck. The Panther was the first person to run through my email workshop (premiering today) and through that discovered her passion for blogging.

Who: Elizabeth Fayle of the Urban Panther’s Lair
Elizabeth (aka the Urban Panther) is phasing out her existence as an IT Project Manager in Ontario, and phasing in her existence as a humourist blogger in Quebec.

What variety of Someday Syndrome affected you the most? In what way?
I’ll Get Around To It Someday. I have been writing all my life. Just ask Alex about finding the My Life With Elton John story when I was twelve. (I still haven’t forgiven him, and my other brother, Rob, for snooping!) [Note from Alex: It was a really good story – very creative!] For the past several years I have been writing for family and friends, but I never really did anything with my writing, despite the encouragement I got from many people to actually get paid for writing. Ya, ya, someday. Sure friends and family are interested, but the rest of the world?

How did it affect the rest of your life?
I was unfulfilled. I work in IT and I am so not technical. Worse yet, I’m a project manager, so I spend a lot of time crunching numbers. BORING! I was just writing one story every two or three weeks, and this wasn’t enough to create a balance between the creative and the mundane.

How would you describe your happiness level at that time?
Oh, bad, bad, bad. With one caveat. I met a fantastic man, so my personal life was, and still is, incredible. But my attitude towards work was deteriorating exponentially. It got to the point I was physically sick each morning, thinking about dragging myself into work.

Did the other varieties of Someday Syndrome appear in your life as well?
I Might Need It Someday. Not so much directly anymore, because when I left my previous relationship I took my brother’s brilliant advice..that would be Alex, not Sibling Rob..and asked myself two questions: Really need it? Really love it? If I couldn’t answer yes to either of those, out it went. However, I have recently moved in with my fantastic man, and woo-ey do I have a challenge ahead of me, helping him through those two questions.

And to an even lesser degree Someday My Ship Will Come In. I used to sit around and wait for the world to come to me, but I am getting better at figuring out what I want from my life, going after that, and asking for help along the way.

Someday Lessons:

• It’s very easy to let day-to-day living grind you down into unfulfilled powder.
• You likely already know what your passions are, but are just ignoring or surpressing them.

Read the rest of the interview tomorrow…